I had a dream once where I died, it was a long, long ago, sometime I’m guessing in the late 1800s, I was a bank robber. I was a tall strong man who wore glasses. I stepped out of a Lutheran Church, walked down some steps and then down a walkway and nearby was a man seated on a bench, when I got passed him he shot me in the back three times and I died. He was a bounty hunter. I woke up. I thought it strange how I knew I was bank robber and that I was leaving a Luthern Church and the man who shot me a bounty hunter. Until I had this dream I used to have back pains right where the bullets landed but since the dream the pain has not appeared. I believe this was my earlier life and that would explain why I am not a tall strong man today and why I could not stay in heaven.

Strangely I have always remembered before I was born. I was in a wonderful place where there was perfect peace that is indescribable. Looking down I saw awful things, fighting and murder and such, I can’t recall all the details but I do remember the last thing I saw was a mushroom cloud bellowing up. An older man with white hair, beard and mustache (who in my younger years I believed was Jesus) came to me and said, “It’s time to go.” I felt like I knew it was coming but I was hoping it wouldn’t happen. I just could not believe after seeing all this, I would be sent there, I was distressed so much that my inside shook and tears flowed from my eyes. Understanding my pain, the older man wanting to reassure me that I would be okay put his hand on my shoulder and said, “You will be Okay.” You figure, hey, I was born in America, it hasn’t been perfect but its been okay. I spent 14 years in the Navy and never fired a gun.

When I was very little we used to have this red and white encyclopaedia set called the book of knowledge. When I would take my nap everyday I liked to look at the pictures. Sometimes when I went to take my nap I didn’t have one to look at, so I would pray to God and one would appear, when I opened it I would see that same mushroom cloud bellowing up into the sky and then it would stop and a red X would be painted over it. I had this happen about six times, but wasn’t counting so I don’t really know how many times. I was very little, before I was in kindergarten, I was psychic then. I always knew that the phone was going to ring and I always knew who was calling.

I’ve read the bible and book of Revelations several times; belonged to many churches, been baptized three times and been to several alter calls. I’m thinking it was around 1988, but one day I woke up and really began to question things. Who condemned me that I should need salvation? All of a sudden the idea that I would go to hell for not finding salvation became ludicrous and I realised that it was I who condemned me for believing something that is completely stupid. So I decided to throw out everything that I ever believed and start over. First I decided that there was a God, there had to be, looking at all of creation and its perfection, perfection cannot come by accident – and nature is more than perfect, it is art above anything we could create if we tried, no, it could not be an accident, there must be a God. So I began to study ALL religions.

I’ve read almost every scripture I could find, studied most all religions and doctrines. Hindu, Buddhism, Confucius, Indian, etc. I settled on the Gnostic religion believing the church was in aposticy.

The Gnostics believed that there were two gods. The false god was created but did not know there was anything created before it and thought it was god and created us, but we did not live and the true God had mercy and came down and breathed into us the breath of life, thus we are the only animal on this earth having a living soul. A living soul capable of great things but trapped into a carnal body. Jesus’s life, teaching and death was all about freeing our living soul. The old testament would reference both the true and false god and get the two mixed up which would explain why we have a god who would claim to be jealous and tell us to kill innocent women and children. Then I had this dream in 1996:

Now I have the truth, but it is such a little piece of truth with a million questions. I’ve prayed for further explanation for years and not received an answer, I finally decided that if I did know how we are taken like a ball of clay and made unto God, or what that even means and what is the false god and the true God? If I knew all these answers I could then tell which church was true and which church was false. I could tell which religion was false, and what one was true. I could even know what system of beliefs was right or wrong. MAYBE I’m just not supposed to know that, because there are people who very much love God and try to do His will and want to believe that they are, what would happen if I came along and told them they were wrong? Does it matter, beliefs are nothing more than strings of ones and zeros that we put together in the back of our head. When we stand before the judgment we may receive a reward for our belief in God not our belief about God but MOSTLY we will be judged according to our works.

It is now 2009 and by 2012 The Aztec Pahana is to return with the missing corner to signal the beginning of the new brotherhood; is this Jesus?

During my life I have made several attempts at suicide and thought about it much when my feelings get hurt because I know there’s a better place to be, I remember being there and all I want to do is go back there. I’ve just turned 50 today, having lived a half a century and decided it’s time to stop being a cry baby and sit down and figure out what this is all about. If you could help, I started a new group. I Remember Before I Was Born

~Roger The Okcitykid~